The Fangirls Are Coming, the Fangirls Are Coming!
by Amanita Jackson
Summary: Meh. Fangirls. They're a problem in every fandom...well our boys Soda and Steve are in for a surprise. Until recently, their fandom had been too titchy to attract the more dangerous kind of fics. Special appearance by Haldir and his antifangirl squadron!


A/N: I hate Mary-Sues. With a flaming, fiery passion. Meh. Revenge! I've always thought there should be some sort of league for their eradication, or at least a squadron to wipe them out for a couple of fics. Well, here you go. In case you didn't notice, I prefer and support the slash fangirls/guys. Heh. I didn't stop _them_...Anyway, I know I was not the only one reading the book going "What? What! Whya re they just 'slinging arms over shoulders'? Do they not sense the raging UST? Apparently not. Well, that is why we are here, is it not? (happy sigh) This was written in about two minutes, enjoy.

Disclaimer: Do I own anything in this story? Is Johnny going to shove Dally against a wall and ravish him senseless in front of everyone? No, but both would be totally awesome.

Warning: Slash, Mary-Sue-ness, crossover, language, sugestiveness.Ooh, yes, and oddness.

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Soda and Steve were fooling around in the garage since they were having a slow day. 

Suddenly, they heard the ground thunder. They stopped what they were doing (cough) and looked at each other in confusion. An earthquake? But…they didn't get earthquakes! So what could be happening?

Suddenly, hordes of greaser/Soc/twenty-first-century girls were hurling themselves into the garage, completely overwhelming the two boys. The girls immediately started turning on each other, screeching and bitch-slapping the hell out of each other. Steve and Soda were trapped and viciously fought over in the writhing crowd, hearing the complaints broadcasted through the air:

"But myyyyyyy parents don't care at all about me and they beat me up and I have nowhere to go except the Curtis' house and Soda fell in love with me!"

"But myyyyyyy parents are dead and all I have to keep me from getting beaten up by the Socs are Soda!"

"But myyyyyyyy brother's Soda and Steve is secretly in love with me but is afraid he'll ruin his and Soda's friendship!"

"But myyyyyyyy parents kicked me out and I have nowhere else to go except Steve's place!"

"But myyyyyyy parents refuse to set boundaries for me and all I wanted was a little danger in my life and Soda picked me out of all the other girls because I was so classy!"

"But myyyyyyy brother beat up Johnny and I hate him so I ran away and got beat up by greasers but Steve saved me!"

"But myyyyyyy---"

Suddenly, the ground thundered again. Elves from Middle Earth ran in with suits bearing "MARY-SUE DISPOSAL SQUAD" and a variety of nasty-looking weapons barged in. Wading through the masses, the elves bravely rescued Steve and Soda and drug them outside, hacking at the fangirls who kept latching on to the legs of all and sundry.

Haldir prepared to torch the building, when--

"No! Don't! The cars are still in there! Plus, it'll explode! Don't you broads know _anything_?" shouted Soda and Steve.

Haldir and the rest of the elves, not appearing to notice that they had just been taken to be female, shrugged, went into the midst of the horde of screeching fangirls, and slaughtered the lot.

They bowed to Steve and Soda. A pretty elf took off his helmet. "I am Haldir. As punishment for my sins in life, I must run around dispatching fangirls for a certain length of time." He hung his head in shame. "I was one of those who carelessly allowed the Mary-Sues into my world and also, later out. I must atone."

Haldir handed a Sword of Canon to Steve and a Mace of Likeliness to Soda. He explained how to use said instruments. Then he bowed again. "I must leave you now, for I have many fandoms to cover, and I must try to finish scouring this one as quickly as possible. The Mary-Sues spawn like rats, or worse." Haldir shuddered.

Turning to leave, he snuck a glance back at the two bewildered Greasers. "By the way, if it's not too bold to say, you two look simply ravishing with weapons," he added coyly.

Thundering came once again from the ground, and the whole town shook like mad.

The elves paled. Steve and Soda looked at each other in confusion. Haldir looked rather embarrassed as the other elves glared daggers at him.

"Oh, buggering Balrogs, I've set them off again, damnit!" Haldir swore as the other elves lapsed into a string of unbelievably vulgar curses in Elvish and the squadron hightailed it out of there to another part of town, leaving poor Steve and Soda to fend for themselves.

"We 'll try and save you, but don't worry! They usually leave you intact, unless--no, I shouldn't worry you! Stay strong, and we'll try to be back!" Haldir called out over his shoulder. The leader of his squad sighed. "Let's try and get to the others before anything happens to _them…_" There was a Group!Glare at Haldir, and the elves scampered.

Steve and Soda looked at each other and burst out laughing. Honestly. What acid trip had all those people been on?

Suddenly, the Yaoi fans rounded the corner.

"OH EM GEE! TEY LOOK SO CUTE 2GETHR!" shouted one.

"I have some rope," called a Kinky fangirl.

"Not now!" shouted the rest. The Kinky fan contingent sulked, but everyone perked up at the sight of Steve and Soda clinging to each other in mind-boggling, boxer-wetting terror.

(not that we (royal we) are in any way implying that either young man had their mind boggled or wet their boxers, we are just using those reactions as a scale for the terror. Although since neither young man is displaying said reactions, perhaps it is not an accurate scale to represent the terror. Well you know what? Your face, that's what. Shut up and finish the damn story. Pff. Nitpickers.)

The horde advanced, forcing the young men back inside the garage. There was an ominous sound as all entrances and exits were locked.

Incidentally, Ponyboy happened to be walking by the garage for no clear or canon reason, but he did find a pair of boxers that he could have sworn were Steve's. He happened to remember this particular pair of boxers because this had been the pair he had stolen whilst Steve was in the shower and had soaked and put in the freezer as a laugh.

It had _so_ been worth the massive lip he'd come to school with a few weeks ago.

He wondered at the weird sounds coming from the garage, but shrugged it off because he was plotting how he was going to find a flagpole to hang these boxers on.

Haldir and his squadron watched from the shadows.

"Should we intervene, sir?" he asked his leader.

"Nahhh, Steve was kind of a bastard," the leader replied.

"But surely you would not sentence him to _that_?" Haldir asked, terrified?

"Well, he'll be able to get his boxers down from the flagpole eventually."

Haldir blinked. "I meant, are we going to rescue Steve and Soda from the clutches of those frightening slashers?"

The leader looked at him. "Are _you _volunteering to go in…?"

"Noooo…not as such…"

"Then let's kill more Mary-Sues. They're much less dangerous." The squadron shuddered and hurried off to save the others before it was too late.

Meanwhile, Steve and Soda…ooh. (winces) They're making those two…wow. Hmm. (blinks) Well, we'll leave them their dignity. (blinks) (averts eyes) (coughs awkwardly) (shifts from foot to foot) Well. Hmm. Poor boys. They had it coming, not snogging _once_ in the books. (winces) (coughs again) (quickly) Toodleoo, then!

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I may or may not continue this. Tis fine and dandy with me if y'all are indifferent to this little piece of screwyness (literally...heh...a pun, or play on words...heh heh heh) and wish not to review, for then I shall leave this as it is. Tis also fine and dandy if y'all love it or hate it, as reviews in either directions motivate me to continue. For those who love it, I wish to make yo uahppy, and for those who think it a worthless waste of cyberspace I wish to blatantly disregard your opinions and engage in a juvenile, pointless and likely vain attempt to spite you. 


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